Managing the Eynesbury campaign on a dry and cool day, whilst suffering from an acute food poisoning rash and other work.
Then the drive to Cambridge for a nice meal at Chez Michelle's Brasserie.
My missive to Diana follows…
I was awake as early as 5.30am; having only got off to sleep a few hours earlier.
**"Read More" BELOW for the complete story**
I woke Wiggly from her slumber and she agreed that my skin irritation was bad and I booked an emergency appointment with the doctor on the strength of it.
Wiggly now being with it again and after a couple of hours more of sleep, we exchanged ideas on our relationship and came up with a formula which I will now have to put to Di.
It was a difficult document to complete and has now been included at the end of this article.
All of these momentous decisions were then curtailed by my need to rush off to the doctor at Cedar House Surgery. Wiggly was great in taking my car down to Coneygear and walking Sam so that I could rush over.
My rash was diagnosed as an allergic reaction and I was prescribed anti-histamine tablets to calm it down.
Some time at my computer and then, after a bacon sandwich courtesy of Wiggly, I took her on our rounds via Chris Howes (to collect the Business FOCUS's), Rob Kirkham, Terry Clough and Neil Campbell (to drop them off) and then one delivery round to perform and another to just drop off.
We should have done some canvassing but I was nursing a bruised back from a fall yesterday and just about a whole-body rash and so we first went to bed together for some overdue and great sex and then did some gardening and housework.
A walk for Sam and then I spent some time on my journal, CIX and the database before a soothing bath for my skin and the drive to Cambridge for a nice meal at Chez Michelle's Brasserie.
The weather was dry and cool for most of the day which was good for Sam in the car.
Life, The Universe and Everything - Diana, you wanted to discuss my feelings, so here goes.
Its no good looking back
I firmly believe that with the benefit of hindsight, we would not have married one-another. We have always had different values and likes/dislikes and both met young and committed quickly. However, that's life and at least we have avoided getting to this stage for longer than almost anyone else we know.
We had our good times
However, we must not let anyone rubbish our relationship and what we have achieved. We have got on well enough over a quarter of a century in a comfortable relationship as fair friends and have been happy. We have enjoyed some good times and things done together as I have amassed our fortune and you have stayed at home and raised our children. We have not yet finished this latter job (do you ever?) but the signs are good as the children have been given a good start in life. We are told that they are emotionally old enough to cope with parental break-up, though we may have our doubts. Certainly, they are well-provided for in educational and financial terms and have had experiences and privileges that few other children have had.
How we have grown apart
As I see it, we are very different people now, even if we started out with much in common. I started out as a long-haired shy and immature student but have become more social, outgoing and energetic in both my work and play, choosing both intellectually-stimulating inside and active outdoor pursuits. Though you have taken a belated interest in physical fitness and the dog, you are much more interested in television and light entertainment and would, for preference, settle down early in chair or bed whilst I would like to be partying or clubbing. I would like to entertain guests and events; you prefer you own company and feel shy and awkward meeting new people. Then there is sex, or rather lack of it, which was always left for me to instigate, progress and complete. I say all this not in criticism, but as fact; as all people differ and each has his or her way and is happiest with a partner of similar preferences. I would say, however, that some people stick to their values whilst others try to accommodate others and many aspects of our life have been non-negotiable as far as you are concerned. You have always been your own person and if that is how you feel about it, why shouldn't you be? Its just that I needed someone closer, more flexible and livelier.
Even more important, though two years older, I feel that I am younger and more active and demanding in both mind and body. Your ambition for us to "grow old together" is not one I share as I do not look forward to and relish old age but would rather wish to ward off its arrival by keeping active.
For some years now we have been courteous, kind and thoughtful to each other and have been on good terms but we have not been close as lovers are. For even longer than that, I have buried myself in large projects to get my stimulation and satisfaction, and the previous affair that I had was also symptomatic of me not fulfilling my sexual and emotional needs within our marriage. I have also often felt that my demands upon you have lead to stress and have at least appeared to be met with resistance, or even hostility. My suggestions with regards to foods have been seen as provocative and interfering. My trying to persuade you to stop gaining weight has been counter-productive and merely served to make you lose confidence; my purchases of sexy underwear etc. have just embarrassed and annoyed you as you have given little priority to the physical side of our marriage. You just want a steady and undemanding husband to share TV and not do anything to embarrass you or make you stand out from the crowd. I have not watched TV for months and always conspire to be conspicuous in everything I do, much to your horror.
The inevitable waiting to happen
I must therefore have been vulnerable when meeting somebody who seems to share many of these values and I seem to have found a soulmate in Wiggly. Time will tell whether this is the first flush of enthusiasm, or an astonishing match. She could still be a monumental mistake. There is firstly the obvious fact of our age difference; I am under no illusions about that. I'm also not saying she is perfect; she does have faults, I think that she drinks too much and is moody at times to name just two; but then she realises and finds each of these less of a problem when I am there and is always sorry afterwards! I nag and bully her too and am jealous of her other pursuits and relationships; faults I have always had in relation to you: But whilst you have always found this boorish behaviour impossible to cope with, she does not go into a shell but instead fights her corner with logic, proves how unreasonable I am being and refuses to be sat upon, controlling me with humour, argument and affection until I see the light!
Your confused reaction to what I have done
So I embarked upon this affair and, as always is the case, you found out. At first you were convinced that this second gross betrayal was unforgivable and struck at the root of our trust and relationship. I was completely to blame and I had to go as you could not bear to live with me. I wanted to patch things up and continue to live at home for the welfare of the children, at least for the next few years, but you were having none of this. Then we started counselling and your views have changed. I am not sure whether your recent affection and efforts are a real recognition that there may just have been two sides to our problems, or whether it is "saving your marriage" advice stuff from self-help books and magazines. Either way, we have to accept that it has most likely come too late and that it can hardly have a fair chance of succeeding whilst I am still seeing Wiggly.
We cannot go on like this
Now I spend time away from The Hayling View not just to be with Wiggly but also so that I can carry on with my campaigning or link time between the two (this week, I have spent most of my time on my own in Norfolk whilst Wiggly has been in Brussels). Instead of doing work at home on our stuff, the election campaign and being around with Debbie during her home study leave. This because you cannot bear to be with me or without me, if I am still seeing Wiggly. Obviously, this situation cannot prevail for the health and happiness of each of us. Despite the hurt you are suffering, which troubles me greatly and much more than you think, I still get great pleasure from my visits home and enjoy family life in limited sessions. There is a chance that I may "chicken-out" of putting all this at risk; which may be what you are hoping by upping the "anti". Certainly, this would be the only "tidy" way of resolving things, with the minimum of fuss, upset and impact on others. After all, I did duck out when my affair with Irene came to a head; though I think that then there was not the same closeness to go with the sexual side of the relationship.
Giving up Wiggly and meeting her needs
The danger in me giving up Wiggly, if indeed that is what you want, is that this would not work and my regret would always overhang our relationship which may never be the same in any case. Though I remain confused and swing from one conclusion to another, it seems that I am not prepared to give up seeing Wiggly. I have to confess that I think of her all the time and have become very close to her. She may be prepared to give up everything for me, but I feel that she needs her career, friends and interests and have her own space at least for the immediate future. If nothing else, it is too soon to be thrust together in a small place, unsuited for joint occupation.
So what do we do?
My first preference has always been and remains to be at home some of the time, working in my office managing our money and investments, seeing the children and helping to raise them and getting closer to finishing the job we started. For the time being, I just wanted our relationship to continue much as it was; kind, considerate but fairly distant with us both doing our own thing. We always spent most of our time apart in the huge house, you watching the TV or ironing/tending the girls and me either in my office or elsewhere at meetings or in Norfolk. Two or three days together each week has been more than enough either of us wanted in recent times. I know it would be difficult, but I would also have preferred that we still took the girls on holiday and to Norfolk together on occasion. At other times, I would have seen Wiggly as much as I could, between her busy work, council and theatrical activities. I am not saying that this is ideal for Wiggly either but she has not been demanding of me any more than that at this stage but desperately wants to know where she stands so as to be able to organise her life. As part of this, I would eventually have to find a place of my own; within reach for the girls to come and visit and where Sam and much of my stuff could be. This could be modest, rented to save capital, or bought for investment and rented out thereafter if ever the need for it ended. By having this as a local base for my time away from The Hayling View, I would then specifically not be moving in with Wiggly as far as everyone would be concerned and the girls could feel that I was available nearby anytime they wanted to see me.
But what do you really want?
You say that you have always loved me, that I am all you want but that you want me to go away if I am still seeing Wiggly but then it follows that you do not see me much, if at all. First you wanted me to vacate the premises, then you want me there all the time and follow me out with the dog etc. Obviously, this has been a very stressful time and you are probably struggling to work out your true feelings. At the moment they seem to be more about being affronted, let down, betrayed and embarrassed than being based on underlying love or in trying to address your own long-term needs and the realities of the situation. If you really believe that we are still suited to one-another and that this affair with Wiggly is not the real thing, is it consistent to reject me totally into her arms rather than see me some of the time and hope that it all blows over? On the other hand, if you recognise that we are no longer suited to each other, does it not make sense to try and accept the situation and manage our lives as logically as possible?
The option of sharing The Hayling View
Sharing The Hayling View would only continue to be viable if either you had not found out (the best case in my view, as you were not missing anything you wanted from me), or pretended not to know, or would now recognise that we are partners and friends in property, children and circumstance but not lovers anymore. In this latter case, I would be your "Ex" that just happened to be around more than usual in this circumstance because we were mature enough that it made sense in meeting our practical needs. But I do realise that this is male logic and you have feelings of invasion, betrayal and all else. What is sensible, may not always be possible.
Another place for me locally
Events may force things to a head with our having to separate formally; me moving out with my stuff into another property in the locality. Norfolk is too far away for anything other than a temporary home or summer recreational location. It would not be feasible or desirable for me to move in with Wiggly in Montagu Street and would be unwise to buy a larger place to live together at this stage. I think that soon the situation will become apparent to both the children and other friends in the area, but your parents and other relatives would not need to know if I retained some presence at The Hayling View.
In the case where I did not spend time at The Hayling View at all, you would have the benefit, but also the problems, of managing a divided family in a large house, garden, swimming pool, doves, koi and all. You would still have to see me to discuss aspects of common interest and resolve problems as they arose. Hopefully, we could cooperate on money matters and avoid formal divorce with all the costs and acrimony involved; just sharing or dividing our investments to satisfy each of our reasonable needs. On the face of it, I should be able to manage the money to meet all of our reasonable joint needs which would have been the main problem for others less fortunate than ourselves. What we lose is a comfortable and organised lifestyle. You must tell me what we would gain.
Would complete separation make you any happier?
The question is will that make you any happier? It all sounds pretty awful to me. Isn't it better to share the facilities of our large house for much of the time and Norfolk and avoid a complete break, at least for the next few years? Would not this have practical benefits? Then perhaps, life is not as straightforward as this!
Progressing from here
I have tried hard to express my feelings here in response to you wanting me to talk to you about what I wanted. I think that it is now your turn to think through events and decide what you think we should do.